Lads, are we up for it tomorrow? Of COURSE we are!
Ahead of the weekend festivities, Big Bird passed on some Peter Kay one-liners. They cracked me up ... enjoy!
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,even he's a witch.
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?".
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here".
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A seal walks into a club...
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
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